Friday, April 29, 2011

I could be the next Queen Of England

I got up early this morning just to watch the wedding between Prince William and Kate.  It was so beautiful and romantic.   It truly was what fairy tales are made of.   Because I loved it so I watched it again this afternoon.  It is running all night on BBC.  While I was watching it I realized I was not invitied to the wedding.  Now you ask why would Nancy be invited to the wedding....because I do have royalty in my blood.  I am related to the Duke Of Essex.  He died about 1600.  Just think about it.  If I don't know thousands of other people ahead of me died I could be the next Queen Of England. 

Thursday, April 28, 2011

You Left Me

Today I had to go and get my mammogram and while I was sitting in the little room waiting for the lady to come back it remined me of the time I went to see my doctor.  I was his last patient of the day.  I was taken back to the exam room and undressed and sat there with the little paper gown on.  I waited and waited which seemed like a eternity.  Finally after quite a long time I decided to go out wearing my paper gown mind you and find out what is going on.  When I left the room I got the shock of a lifetime.  The office was dark.  The lights were turned off.  I am like hello....and a nurse came out from somewhere and just looked at me.  She said what are you doing here.  I am waiting for the doctor.  She explained that the doctor had gone home for the night.  WHAT...they had put me in the room and forgot about me.  HE LEFT.....they did apologize and told me to come back 1st thing in the morning.  The next day I returned and again taken back to the little room, undressed and now wearing the paper gown.  Time went by and again out into the hall I went.  I said to the nurse where is the doctor?  Oh he is not here yet.  NOT HERE YET...what in the heck am I doing then sitting in the little room wearing this paper gown.  By now I have lost all patience I had.  I was assured he was coming.  About a hour later he finally came into the room.  He had to deliver a baby.  He apologized for everything and ever since that day he was so very nice to me.  I was not charged for that office visit.  The doctor has now retired and at last count he was 94 and living in Arizona. 

There is no movie its blank

Tuesday husband went to Best Buy and bought the movie The Kings Speech in Blue Ray.  Tuesday night he sat down to watch the movie.  The movie would not go past the credits and when he clicked on the watch the movie there was non.  It was blank.  So of to Best Buy I went yesterday to exchange the movie.  I got a new one and last night husband sat down to watch the movie and guess what...there was no movie it was blank.  He called Best Buy today to ask what is going on and they explained that they have had about 75 copies come back so far because there is no movie the dvd is blank.   Nice going Weinstein.  Next time you release a movie make sure that there actually is a movie on the dvd.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

The Funny For The Day...........Chipmunk in the basement

The chipmunks have now awaken from their winters nap and they are busy scurring around the backyard once again.  It brings back a funny story of what happened last fall.  One Saturday morning when I came back from grocery shopping the cats were busy staring at the garbage can in the kitchen.  I thought now what did they find the usual spider?  So I moved the can and out came a chipmunk running running at full speed the the 2 cats hot on his trail.  Now how did it get in my kitchen.  The only thing we could think of was the back screen door didn't close all the way so in he came.  That little guy ran around then finally he ran down the basement.  Since we have a lot of storage and stuff in the basement he had plenty of places to hide.  The cats kept a vigil on him at all times so we knew where he was.  But he was too fast for the cats to catch.  I wanted him out of the house but I didn't want to hurt him.  His mate would sit outside and chip chip talk to him all the time and he would answer back.  We went and bought a live trap for him to be caught in but he was too smart for that.  After a day I just plain said I am not going to have him die on my watch so I set out a dish of squirrel food which they love and a bowl of water.  He was very happy and ate everything.  Yes I kept feeding him.  Our tv room is in the basement and when the cats got tired of waiting for him to come out and went to sleep the little chipmunk would come out and sit and stare at us as if to say get me out of here.  By Monday morning we were all getting pretty tired of this.  I could talk to Chippie and he would answer me back  so I would know he was still alive.  I found him sitting in the basement by the one window one day and I said now why didn't I think of that so I opened the window.  But he just ran away from the window and went and hid again.  I didn't realize the window was too high for him to reach.   Finally on Wednesday he looked at me and ran to a new window and just sat there.  That was the window he could reach and get out of.  So I got busy and opened all the windows he could reach.  I then went outside and sat with husband to watch and wait.  The widow was on the driveway side and we figure he would come around into the yard and head straight for the squirrel food.  Within 5 minutes here came Chippie just dragging.  He was walking so slow.   He was tired.   He went through a lot being in the basement for 5 days.  He ran up the fence and along the top until he reached the squirrel food and there was his mate.  It was chipmunk happiness.  They just squeeled with delight and kinda hugged. They then began busy chip chip talking and she then started yelling at him as if to say why did you scare me like that.  I thought I would never see you again.  Like I said Chippie has now awoke from his winters nap but I don't think he will ever try to get in the house again.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Another funny story from the blue haired gang

Ok, The other day I was at the grocery store and busy digging in the 25 cent clearance bin when I heard this old geezer swearing and really throwing a fit at one of the clerks. I couldn't go look because there was great stuff in the 25 cent bin. When I went to checkout I found out what happened, this old guy was trying to buy a $4.99 movie with a fake 20 dollar bill. The clerks were having a good laugh over his movie selection. I really wanted to know the name of the movie. Mind you they only sell pg rated movies at the store.

The blue haired crazy lady that lives next door

I have this next door neighbor and to protect the crazy lady we will call her Hazel. So lets set the stage...I live on a dead end street second house from the corner. There is a cyclone fence on the dead end so there is no way to get out. Now I was out walking and looking out across the road, Hazel came out of her house and told me that I needed to be careful, why? because there is a lot of major drug activity that goes on in here. HERE we old people. Yes she sees them. It seems the drug dealers ride their bicylces (yes I said bicycles) up to the fence then throw their bikes over the fence and then climb over the fence. That is how they deliver drugs on bicycles and get in and out of our community. What kind of drugs Viagra?  Hey we are old people. Hazel also said she has reported it but the Sheriff's Dept, but they won't do anything about it. Having just moved here I knew it sounded crazy but I figure I better check it out. So I went to the Sheriffs Dept and told them my story. The sheriff just laughed and laughed and just shook her head. I told her who my neighbor was and she laughed harder. Oh she knew Hazel quite well. My neighbor Hazel is a crazy lady.

Funny Yet Not So Funny

So everyone knows I am in blue hair city and a lot of the old geezers drive around in golf carts. To the grocery store etc. This morning this old guy was driving his golf cart and he took the corner way tooooo fast and he tipped over. It was like a Fred Flintstone moment. You know where they put the tray of food on Freds car and it tips over. The ambulance came and scooped him up. It was funny but yet not so funny.

Stupid Old Woman Story

Today I went grocery shopping at Walmart and when I went to checkout the lane that I picked had a customer with groceries on the belt checking out. (almost done) Then behind her was a EMPTY shopping cart. Then there is me. (so far following the scene) Now in the main Walmart isle (Hangning around batteries etc) are 2 couples chatting away. Remember no one is ahead of me except a EMPTY shopping cart. I move up to start putting my items on the belt when one of the ladies standing in the main isle moved in ahead of me and said there are 3 other people ahead of you. I am thinking to myself WHERE are they invisible so the lady turns to one of the couples standing in the main isle and said are you ready to check out? What they are now done talking. The man said yes so I moved back a little and he moved in ahead of me. Now I am looking at the woman like she is totally crazy when again she says there are more people ahead of you. Ok again invisible people. Now this just getting too much for me so I decided to move on to another lane. I moved down about 5 lanes and I am now pulling into another lane when this stupid old woman jumps in, in front of me. NO SHE DOES NOT HAVE A CART. Ok now I want to run her over with my cart. I finally had it and screamed at her....will you make up your mind what lane you want to be in and stay in it. She yelled back at me...you don't have to be such a smart ass. It turned out...SHE WAS SAVING SPACES IN LINE FOR HER FRIENDS.....I REPEAT SAVING SPACES IN LINE FOR HER FRIENDS. What are we in grade school. I really did not believe this happened and all I could think was I have to tell you guys this one because you are not going to believe it.

I need to carry my camera with me at all times.

After supper when I was talking Helmsley the dog for his walk I heard this motorboat sound and it was getting louder and louder. I looked around and could not find where it was coming from. I finally looked up in the air and right above me was the blimp and it was real low. I mean real low. I was right near the park and a friend was walking his 2 dogs so I yelling at him to look at the blimp. He did not hear me. (more about that in the next story) The blimp turned around right above me to go back towards the base. I saw all sides of it. It was really neat to see. Moral of the story Nancy needs to have her camera with her at all times.

Keep the ear buds out of your ears

Now I am still in the park looking up in the air at the blimp. My friend is in the park with his 2 little tiny chiwawa dogs when I see this hawk come flying and swooping down right at his 2 little dogs. I start screaming at him THE HAWK THE HAWK. I am screaming and running to scare away the hawk. I get to the man who is wearing a baseball cap and looking down at his phone. He looks up at me and takes out his ear buds and says I am sorry I did not hear you I had my ear buds in. I said to him...you stupid man didn't you see the hawk go after your dogs? His reply NO. Oh now he is worried about the dogs after I chased away the hawk. The hawk stayed up in the tree just watching since we were now aware of his presence. Moral of the story....keep those ear buds out of your ears. On a foot note....Keith was out in the back yard yesterday working and a pair of morning doves was watching him. They need entertainment too, when the hawk came flying down and got one and flew away with one of the doves.

St Patricks Day Dinner

On St. Patricks Day I went and ate cornbeef and cabbage (Keith hates cabbage so he no go) at our Pine Run Community Hall with all of the seniors. I have made new friends. :) The first thing we did was have a prayer and the next was say the pledge of allegiance to the flag. I havn't done that since the 6th grade. I felt like I was back at my 1950's pot luck dinners at church. Dinner comes and the cabbage was not done and the cornbeef was as tuff as old shoe leather. The old people were just complaining and complaining. The lady across from me is saying this is really bad. I am oh its not that bad. I did not want to hurt anyones feelings. So I was trying and trying to cut the cornbeef, but it was not going well. I looked up and the ladies are staring at me and the one lady said to me, now you want to tell me the meat is not tuff. I laughed so hard. I really had such a good time. Like I said it brought back memories of a 1950's church pot luck dinner.

People really say the darnest things

Tonight Helmsely and I were out for our walk in the park when we saw this lady dumping something in the wooded area. Now mind you there is a big sign that says no dumping. I am like what is that stupid woman doing can't she read that sign. She was dumping something out of a bucket and dumping and dumping. But I could not see what it was. When she got done she got into her car and drove over to us. She explained to me that she has so much sand in her yard she is getting rid of it. Too much sand all over. No dirt just sand and weeds. She said and I quote..." If I knew Florida had so much sand I would have never moved here." Pleople really say the darnest things.

My pleasant day turned poopie

My day started out very pleasant. I had a nice day running errands. On my way home my check engine light came on. Since we have a 2 day trip ahead of us, it needs to be checked out. Well....I called the Subaru dealership to make an appointment and was told tomarrow is there last day. They are closing. Now nice. So the next dealership is in Gainsville or Leesburg. Thats a long ride. I was told that the Volvo dealership will be taking over the Subaru repairs within the next couple of weeks. I called the Volvo place and he is not set up yet but he could put the car on his diagnostic and it would give us some idea what is going on. The mechanic for my car does not start until next Wednesday. My car does have the extended warranty but they are not set up to take it yet. This just keeps getting better and better. So tomarrow I go to Volvo. I called Subaru in my owners manual and was told yes I can go to Gainsville that is fine but hey what do I do when I get there and they need to keep my car. The dealership is over an hour and a half away. How do I get home. Back to Volvo yes if they can fix my car that is fine. I must pay for it and send in the papers for reimbersement. Now think about this...if it was at a Subaru dealership I would not have to pay anything now I am only going to get reimbursed what the Volvo dealership is going to get from Subaru and then I have to pay out the Volvo costs. This stinks. I have a case number etc so it should turn out ok. But here is something to think about...what happends if they need a particular part and they don't have it and can't get it because the parts come from Japan. They will probably call to Wisconsin to get the parts. :). The Subaru plant is in Indiana. So now that is over with for the mean time. After dinner Helmsley and I go for our walk. We are in the park and he needs to take a dump. He poops I scoop. It is windy out and I scoop up the poop in the plastic bag....the wind whips the plastic bag around and the poop falls out and goes plop right on top of my foot. Yes I am wearing sandals. But like every good mother I have kleenex in my pocket and clean off my foot. So my pleasant day turned into a poopy day.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

HELMSLEY STORY

Ok again tonight we are walking in the park (after the poop episode) and on the one side there is a cyclone fence and on the other side of the fence are black angus steers. Helmsley is busy smelling and there is a bush and behind the bush I could see something.  I moved over to see what it was and there was this big black steer looking at me. I have never seen them right up against the fence before. I told Helmsley to come look and he came and looked.  His eyes got huge and he jumped straight up in the air. He's never seen the steer up close and it scared, startled him. He did not know what to make of it.  So he just went crazy barking at the steer. The steer just looked at him as if to say dumb dog and walked away. It really was so funny.  That was a 10,000 funniest home movies winner moment.

My car is confused. It has been down here in Seniorville too long.

I took the car in and it turns out it is a sensor. The poor girl is confused (no wise cracks about being just like her mother :). The car can't decide if it is in 1st or 2nd gear. So that is why it makes the bump bump sound (just like you were going over a speed bump) when it is trying to change gears. You can override it by driving the car in the sport gear. The car will be ok until they get fully up and running with the subaru part of the dealership and get the part in. We probably could drive the car home that way but I am not willing to take that chance. We have broken down way too many times over the course of 35 years driving to Florida to chance that again. Hopefully the part will be covered under my warrenty.

The acorns at Grange

Ok gang I can't let the day go by without a story. This morning before we left for the dealership I took Helmsley out to the backyard. He found a really big (about the since of my pointer finger) catapiller. It was pretty ugly. Clear gray, icky. It was crawling next to the house on the sidewalk and I felt sorry for it so I moved it to the tree. It made the catapiller happy and he started digging in the dirt. After I did that it brought back memories to when we all worked at Grange. Remember how the side yard had all of those oak trees. Since I am always picking up something I found these really huge acorns so I brought some inside and sat them on my desk. Several weeks passed and when I came in to work one morning the top of my desk was covered with maggots.  Yes maggots. I am sure I screamed.  It turns out that maggots live inside of acorns and after they mature they make a little hole in the acorn and come out. I haven't picked up acorns since. I don't know how many of you remember that, but it is funny now. It wasn't at that time.

Old guy looking for a sugar momma

Today I went to Winnie (Winn Dixie) to go grocery shopping. When I got out of the car a man stopped me. He saw my Wisconsin plates. He was so excited asking the normal questions. Where are you from, how long have you lived here. Are you retired. I said yes I am retired from ATT. Now he perked up. He explained that he was retired also and was from Oshkosh WI. He is a retired veterinarian specializing in animinal husbandry. I think that was suppose to get me excited. After a while he finally asked me do you live in On Top Of The World? (expensive 55 community). I replied no. I live in Pine Run the cheap seats. He is like OH, I have to go now. I figured he was looking for a sugar momma. Retired, nice pension. Yeah right.....cheap seats. Move on..

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Tell Me If you Like My Stories

If you like my stories and want to read more, leave me a comment or sign up to become a follower of my stories.  I would really love to know who enjoys reading them. 

Harriet lives in the elevator

When mom lived in Villa St Anna an assisted living place in Racine there was a lady there named Harriet. Harriet was very confused lady that did not talk. She could but didn't. Everytime I went to visit mother there was Harriet in the elevator. No matter when I visited there was Harriet in the elevator. Finally one day I asked one of the aids do you know there is a lady in the elevator. The aid explained that Harriet thinks she lives in the elevator. One day when I went to visit mother she was complaining that she could not see. Mom just got new glasses but was having real trouble seeing. This went on for several weeks and thinking mom will adjust to her new glasses. One day when I went to visit mother there was Harriet in the elevator. I just looked at Harriet....she was wearing mothers glasses. I went to mothers room and just looked at her, the glasses were just about the same. I told mom I know why you can't see, those are not your glasses. Harriet is wearing your glasses. I took mothers glasses and went and found a aid. I wasn't going to do this myself. The aid was like Harriet can I have your glasses and so the switch was made. The aid asked Harriet can you now see and she made a big smile. She still lived in the elevator but now she could at least see the elevator. Mom could see again which made everybody happy. We don't really know how the switch happened we think it happened when mother got her hair done.

Oh No Not "The Animal Planet"

On Mother's first stay in the nursing home she had a roommate named Dorothy. She kinda knew what was going on but for the most part she was a space cadet. Mother at this time did not have her own television because it was a rehabilitation stay and she was getting out soon. Dorothy did have a television and it was in the middle of the room so they both could see it. The only problem was Dorothy only watched one channel The Animal Planet. It was on 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Mostly the same programs over and over again. If you tried to change the channel when she was sleeping she would turn it right back on. When I came to visit mother I would say do you want to go out to the sitting room? and she would answer YES. It drove mother absolutely crazy. She could not take it one more minute. Which in its own strange way was a good thing. Because mother would get in her wheel chair and speed pedal with her feet all the way around the building and not just once. Many, many trips around and around. Because of that she regained her strength to go back to the assisted living. But to this day I cannot stand to watch The Animal Planet. Bad Juju's.

I JUST WANT TO SHOUT BINGO

I love to play games, why I don't know I just do. My problem is I cannot win. I play bingo do I win NO. I remember when I was a kid one of my best friends, her mom and I and sometimes my mom would go to St John's and play bingo. I remember my best friend and her mom winning but did I win NO. It is 45 years later and I still cannot win at Bingo. I think Bingo hates me. Oh I will still sit here at my computer and play Bingo until my arms hurt and my eyes are crossed and I am falling off my chair because I am so tired all in search of those words I would love to shout....BINGO

Way Too Many Dogs

The couple on the other end of the block have 5 dogs. I think they are over their limit. The husband does dog rescue so that is why. Their latest addition is a beagle named Eagle Beagle. If you have ever owned a beagle or known someone with a beagle you know they are very noisy dogs. Tonight while we were out for our walk we passed the house and all 5 started barking like crazy. On the way back from the park we had to pass the house again but this time the lady was outside with a squirt bottle and everytime one of the dogs barked she would squirt it with water. The lady was turning around and around, squirt, squirt squirt. Everytime a dog barked it got squirted and with her trying to squirt 5 dogs all running in different directions was one of the funniest things to see. Then she yelled to me....DO YOU WANT A BEAGLE. Not really, been there done that. Dedicated to Miss Lady Dog our sweet little gone but not forgotten beagle.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Favorite Foods From Childhood

One of my favorite things to drink when I was a kid (late 50's early 60's) was Aunt Nellies pineapple orange drink that came in a large can and found at A&P grocery stores.   I want to know what was your favorite food or drink when you were a kid.

Friday, April 8, 2011

Blue Haired Old Lady And Her Shopping Cart

Today I went to Winnie to pick up a few things and I parked my car next to entrance drive. Next to the drive is a grass area and has curbs on both sides. So your car bumps up next to the curb. The entrance drive is shaped like a T. The main drive in and the long drive in front of the stores. When I came out of Winnie there was the classic blue haired old lady standing in a empty parking stall 2 spots from the end of the row with her cart of groceries. The cart was bumped up against the curb. When I was walking past she asked me are you parked in this row? I replied yes I was. She explained she did not know what to do. You see her cart could not go any further because of the curb and her car was parked on the other side of the entrance drive. She asked me if I would mind standing here and guard her cart while she walked over to the other side to get her car. I said sure so I stood there like a fool with my groceries and her cart of groceries in this empty spot while she walked over to get her car all the while turning back to make sure I did not run away with her groceries. She did come back with her car and get her groceries. She was very thankful. I really did not have the heart to tell her, you know could have just walked around the corner with your cart to get to your car.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Nancy Saw Her First?

 

Ok this story will be especially funny to my fellow AT&T workers....In october i was outside in the backyard and I looked at the telephone ped in my yard and coming from the ped was a big long black cable. It came from the ped wrapped around it and the bush and then went through the fence. I thought hum was the phone company working in my yard and I didn't see them. Being the nosey old lady that I am I went over and bent down to get a good look at the cable. It was as round as a quarter and it was the funniest looking cable I ever saw. Oh wait it has scales...it wasn't a cable it was a black snake. It was just laying there and I thought poor dead snake. So I looked through the fence and there staring back at me with those beady eyes was the snake. It was not a dead snake. He was a big long much alive snake. I ran into the house to get me camera but he left so no picture. Nancy saw her first snake.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Skinny old man in a speedo YUK

A couple of doors down lives a skinny old man. He looks like Willy Nelson. On the weekends he plays real loud Johnny Cash songs and sings and plays his guitar with the song. Last week when the dog and I were out for our walk, I turned and looked at his house. The curtains were open and he was standing there wearing nothing but a bright color tiny little speedo. Oh how I want to burn that image from my brain. Now whenever he sees me he smiles and waves. Heaven help me.

It's Official Husband will sleep through anything

It is now official. Husband will sleep through anything. Since there are no tornado horns down here daughter gave us for Christmas a first alert weather monitor. Husband is asleep in his lazy boy and right behind him on the end table is the first alert. It first sounds the horn warning then the man comes on to let us know we are under a tornado warning. I go to check it out and there he is sleeping. He misses the whole thing. I guess when he wakes up and finds the house gone he will know he missed it. So why am I typing. I am told there is not much you can do until you hear the sound of a freight train. When you do you head to the shower. Yes we have to stand in the shower stall.  Husband if he wakes up, me, the dog and the 2 cats.

Do you want to buy a Pie?

Today I went to Winnie to pickup a few things. There was a lady giving out free samples of apple or cherry pie. In a little cup about the size of a quarter. I looked at her and she said if you buy a pie you get a free quart of ice cream. Do you want to buy a pie? I told her I would take a free sample. She started to put the tray towards me and then pulled it back. Again asking do you want to buy a pie? I told her I would like to taste it first. Very hesitantly she moved the tray toward me so I could take the free sample. I did and it was good. Moving on to get my other items. On way to the checkout I had to pass her again. I stopped to see what the pie actually looked like. Again do you want to buy a pie? you get a free quart of ice cream. Here let me take you to the ice cream so you can see all of the flavors. I looked at the ice cream and told her maybe later not today. She then gave me the evil eye. I guess if you don't buy a pie you don't get the free sample. Or maybe I looked too young and needed my mommy to give permission for me to have the free sample. I vote for the latter.

Old Lady and her Walker

About a month ago I went to the gas station to get gas. I noticed the old lady next me filling up her tank. She was futzing around trying to get into her car. Why do these old ladies drive such big cars? They can't see over the steering wheel. When she pulled away from the pump I noticed that she left her walker next to the pump. Since she was moving at the pace of a turtle I decided to run after the car and tell her. But I noticed her face was plastered right up to the steering wheel, eyes bugged out and her mouth hanging open. This is never a good sign. When you see it RUN. I thought if I ran up to the car one of 2 things were going to happen. 1 she would have a heart attack or 2 hit the gas and hit a gas pump or another car. I just stood there and shook my head. I figured when she got home and could not get out of her car because she did not have her walker she would come back to the gas station.

Poop and Scoop

Tonight while Helmsley and I were out for our nightly walk he had to do his business and it reminded me of a story. One of our walks Helmsley had just done his poop business. He poops, I scoop. We were walking along and I had his present in a pick-n-save bag dangling the bag from the hand. This cute little  boy comes up to us and asks me "Is that his do do". I said yes. He is kind of freaked out and says you picked it up with your hands? I told him no, with the plastic bag. I said it is the law if he poops, I have to scoop. He just stood there with this freaky look on his face. I think I scared the kid for life. No poop and scoop for him.