Sunday, April 15, 2012

Grieving The Loss Of Your Mother

In doing what I do as a seller on Etsy I get a chance to talk with alot of people.  Lately as we get closer to Mothers Day it brings out alot of emotions especially if our mothers have passed.  I want to share with you about my experience in hopes of helping others to understand you are not alone.  It is hard to believe it will be 4 years since I lost my wonderful mother.   I am an only child and my dad died when I was 14 so basically my whole life has been just mom and I.  My mother was kind, sweet and never said a bad word about anybody.  She never even said a swear word.  Mom was 88 and when her last surviving sister died at age 102 in January 2008 and that is when she stated to go down hill.  She felt very alone all of her family was now gone.  Granted she had me but she was really missing everyone now especially my father.  Mom ended up in a nursing home due to many falls and she was getting weaker and weaker with each fall.  I visited mom several times a week and still continued to talk with her everyday on the phone.  Just about every day she would tell me she was tired and ready to go.  I could see it coming but I was not prepared.  The good thing is my mom's mind was still as sharp as ever and knew I was there and we could still hold our long conversations about whatever.  I saw mom on Wednesday and Friday she was fine.  Tired but fine.  I walked in on Saturday morning to be greeted by the head nurse and said I am so happy you are here.  Why,  I am always here on Saturday.  It seems mom slipped into a coma and the time was near.   WHAT.....what happened between last night and this morning.  I thought back over last few days and remembered, mom would look at me straight in the eye and say are you going to be ok?  I am dying you know.  I would tell her no mom you are not dying.  Again, are you going to be ok?  I finally said yes mom I will be ok.  It will be hard but I will be ok.  I bought her house which made her very very happy.  It was the home my dad and mom bought when they got married in 1949 and it was the house she lived in for 60 years.  My daughter and her future husband now lived in.  They were going to be married in the next couple of months so I had the wedding to look forward to.  Yes mom I would be ok.  She was happy and I gave her a hug and kiss as I always did and told her I loved her.  As I was leaving she just gave me that look as if she was studying my face for the last time and said goodbye and I love you.  I didn't see it, but as I look back she was saying goodbye to me for the last time.  The next couple of days were horrible just waiting and waiting for her to pass.  Now here comes the funny.....on Sunday night while I was sitting there and she was in a coma she said to me....Rice Krispies...I was like Rice Krispies now that was moms favorite cereal and I guess before she died she wanted her favorite cereal.  I guess you could say her last meal.  I said to her, you want to eat Rice Krispies and she said yes.  The kitchen was closed but I did manage to find someone to give me a bowl of Rice Krispies.  I fed them to her while she was still out of it.  She never did wake up.  So to this day everytime I see Rice Krispies I think of my mother and how those were her last words to me.  She did pass the next day.  The next couple of days are in a fog.  The funeral service was beautiful and at the end of the service when they took the casket away to be closed I realized I did not kiss mother goodbye.  My husband is like that's ok and I was like no, you don't understand I always give mom a kiss when I was leaving.  I ran to the back of the church where the casket was and gave her a hug, kiss and told her I loved her.  At the wake we served her favorite food.  For dessert we had her favorite hot fudge sundae's.   I will remember that day as if it were today.  It never leaves you.  The next couple of months until my daughters wedding were rough.  I really wanted my mom there to share in the excitement but she was not.  My daughter got married at Disney World she was a Disney princess bride.   On the day of the wedding it was about 7am and I left the hotel room to go outside and have my morning coffee.  I was sitting on the curb in the parking lot talking to the sky and crying and talking to my mom saying I wish you could be here.  As I was sitting there crying and talking this beautiful butterfly came and sat on the curb beside me.  You know what they say about butterflies.  It made me smile as I realized mom was with me to see our beautiful girl get married.  I felt better.  My daughter had an outdoor wedding under a without wedding preparations etc.  Now it starts to really sink in.  You are alone.  No call to mother every day at 7pm or no visits with her.  All of my life it was mom and I and now I am just I. I am now a orphan.  It is one of the worst feelings in your life.  You are now alone. Granted I have a wonderful husband, daughter and now son-in-law but something is missing.  My mom.  You cry and reminisce  and wish you could talk with your mom one last time but it never comes.  You hope this is all a bad dream and if you were to call her she would say I honey how was your day.  I know mom is happy now as she is with my dad and her family and it helps alittle but there still is a big hole in your heart.  I know one day we wil all be together again but until that day I just keep talking to the sky in hopes she hears.  When my mom was little she would get a orange for Christmas and it was something I did every year.  I gave her a orange at Christmas.   One of the hardest things about Christmas is as a child I would make her a gift and when I got older and had money I would buy her a gift.  Christmas is not the same as there is no present for mom under the tree.  I finally came up with a solution for that one.  I get a orange and cut it in half and take a bag of bird seed to the cemetery and open up the orange and sprinkle the seeds on it.  Mother loved her orange and she loved feeding the birds.  Once again I get to give my mother her Christmas present.

The point of this post is to let you know, if you are grieving the loss of your mother you are not alone. I have been there and I know how you feel.  If you would like to share a story about your mom or just talk put in a comment and I will share it with others so we can help ourselves heal and othere heal all at the same time.

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